I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
