When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When are your genitals available?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
