Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
