Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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