Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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