you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i think i just lost a toe
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
