i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
