I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
