apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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