Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
