Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
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i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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