Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
