i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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