i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
