You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
