i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
