things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
