You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I love having hate sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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