Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
