I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
