Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
