i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
