I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
