I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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