I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
