I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
