The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
