I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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