For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
