im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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