My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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