She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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