90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
