Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
