I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
