you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
