Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
