I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
