I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
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Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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