mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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