It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
