Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We left an ass print on the piano.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
