I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
