Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
