So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
