he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
