My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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