what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
