I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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