she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
