just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.