My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan