I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
