btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
