The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
