He asked to "fluff my boner.."
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
