I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
