She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
