is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
